Many of these books have been life-changing for me on my parenting journey. The first three books in particular really challenged me to rethink my whole understanding of healthy parent/child attachment and family/societal relationships in general. If you read no other parenting books, read these three!
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The Continuum Concept: In Search of Happiness Lost (Jean Liedloff) - Though not written as a child-rearing manual, The Continuum Concept has earned a reputation as an excellent resource for parents and parents-to-be who intuitively feel that the parenting "techniques" of the modern era are inherently misguided... If you want to restore more fully your natural instincts -- especially for parenting -- we heartily suggest you get your hands on a copy of the book and let it transform your consciousness. (from www.continuum-concept.org)
Hold On To Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers (Gordon Neufeld, Gabor Maté) - The first line of the preface reads: "This book has the radical intent of reawakening people's natural parenting instincts." More from the inside flap: "Hold on to Your Kids will restore parenting to its natural intuitive basis and the parent-child relationship to its rightful pre-eminence. The concepts, principles and practical advice contained...will help parents keep or regain their natural authority and will protect children from becoming lost in the emotionally barren and culturally sterile world of peer orientation. This book will empower parents to be for their children what nature intended: a true source of contact, security and warmth."
Unconditional Parenting: Moving From Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason (Alfie Kohn) - From the inside flap: "Most parenting guides begin with the question 'How can we get kids to do what they're told?' -- and then proceed to offer various techniques for controlling them. In this truly groundbreaking book, nationally respected educator Alfie Kohn begins instead by asking 'What do kids need - and how can we meet those needs?' What follows from that question are ideas for working with children rather than doing things to them... This is an eye-opening, paradigm-shattering book that will reconnect readers to their own best instincts and inspire them to become better parents."
Our Babies, Ourselves: How Biology and Culture Shape the Way We Parent (Meredith Small) - From the back cover: "A thought-provoking combination of practical parenting information and scientific analysis, Our Babies, Ourselves is the first book to explore why we raise our children the way we do -- and to suggest that we reconsider our culture's traditional views on parenting...sometimes what is culturally dictated may not be what's best for babies."
The Natural Child: Parenting From the Heart (Jan Hunt) - From Amazon's book description: "The Natural Child makes a compelling case for a return to attachment parenting, a child-rearing approach that has come naturally for parents throughout most of human history. In this insightful guide, parenting specialist Jan Hunt links together attachment parenting principles with child advocacy and homeschooling philosophies, offering a consistent approach to raising a loving, trusting, and confident child. The Natural Child dispels the myths of "tough love" building baby's self-reliance by ignoring its cries, and the necessity of spanking to enforce discipline. Instead, the book explains the value of extended breast-feeding, family co-sleeping, and minimal child-parent separation."
Whole Child, Whole Parent (Polly Berien Berrends) - This book is more about the process of becoming a parent, rather than about specific parenting technique. It explores what it means to be a parent, especially from a spiritual perspective and addresses "the value of parenthood for the parent as well as for the child." It provides "a sound, practical, psychological and spiritual footing for parenthood and family life" (from the Amazon book description). I often find it grounding to just open it at random and read a few pages.
Magical Child (Joseph Chilton Pearce) - From the back cover: "From the very instant of birth...the human child has only one concern: to learn all that there is to learn about the world...it's daring ideas about how Western society is damaging our children, and how we can better nurture them and ourselves, ring truer than ever." (Note: the writing style makes this book a bit of a tough read -- as one of my friends jokingly said "It took me forever to get through Magical Child because I kept throwing it against the wall." -- YMMV)
Punished by Rewards: The Trouble with Gold Stars, Incentive Plans, A's, Praise and Other Bribes (Alfie Kohn) - From www.alfiekohn.org: "In this groundbreaking book, Alfie Kohn shows that while manipulating people with incentives seems to work in the short run, it is a strategy that ultimately fails and even does lasting harm...Rewards and punishments are just two sides of the same coin -- and the coin doesn't buy very much. What is needed, Kohn explains, is an alternative to both ways of controlling people. The final chapters offer a practical set of strategies for parents, teachers, and managers that move beyond the use of carrots or sticks."
Protecting the Gift: Keeping Children and Teenagers Safe (and Parents Sane) (Gavin de Becker) - From the back cover: "In this empowering book...(de Becker) offers practical new steps to enhance children's safety at every age level, giving you the tools you need to allow your kids freedom without losing sleep yourself. With daring and compassion, he shatters the widely held myths about danger and safety and helps parents find some certainty about life's highest stakes questions..."
These next two books are not parenting books per se but are both excellent books on how to communicate more effectively with people in general. They are must reads for anyone looking to relate more compassionately to oneself and to others.
Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life: Create Your Life, Your Relationships and Your World in Harmony with Your Values (Marshall B Rosenberg) - From Amazon book description: "...for centuries our culture has taught us to think and speak in ways that can actually perpetuate conflict, internal pain and even violence. Nonviolent Communication partners practical skills with a powerful consciousness and vocabulary to help you get what you want peacefully. In this internationally acclaimed text, Marshall Rosenberg offers insightful stories, anecdotes, practical exercises and role-plays that will dramatically change your approach to communication for the better. Discover how the language you use can strengthen your relationships, build trust, prevent conflicts and heal pain. Revolutionary, yet simple, NVC offers you the most effective tools to reduce violence and create peace in your life -- one interaction at a time."
Anger: Wisdom for Cooling the Flames (Thich Nhat Hanh) - From Amazon editorial review: "A master at putting complex ideas into simple, colorful packages, Nhat Hanh tells us that, fundamentally, to be angry is to suffer, and that it is our responsibility to alleviate our own suffering. The way to do this is not to fight our emotions or to 'let it all out' but to transform ourselves through mindfulness. Emphasizing our basic interdependence, he teaches us how to help others through deep listening and how to water the positive seeds in those around us while starving the negative seeds. Serious though lighthearted, Anger is a handbook not only for transforming anger but for living each moment beautifully."
